I consider myself a pretty positive person, but I have realized that I really am not when it comes to my own life.  I can be a cheerleader for anyone in any situation, but not for me.  Self-doubt and feelings of unworthiness drag me down in most situations.  This is not a new thing, mind you.  I realize that this goes way back as long as I can remember.

I am always looking for ways to be better.  I look at others, actually, judge others who struggle in a way that is obviously detrimental to them and those around them and easily "tsk" at them because of their poor choices.  In fact, I am exactly the same, looking for something outside of me that will make the inside of me feel happy, peaceful, fulfilled, worthy...  My choices are not as public or as easily shamed, but they are poor choices nonetheless.

I have been obsessed the past few days with an idea, a test really.  My cousin has cancer.  It's bad and she won't live.  None of us will live forever.  Anyway.  She knows that the end is near and our family will be gathering with her for a celebration of her life in a couple months.  I really want to ask her to find my parents and send me a sign of some sort that they are ok, that "it" is real.  See, I have faith that there is something good out there beyond where we are now.  But I don't know.  And, any hint I can get will make me feel better.  One of my favorite writers is Anne Lamott.  She quoted one of her teachers as saying, and I paraphrase, "the opposite of faith is not doubt, it is certainty."  That makes me feel somewhat better.  I have so many questions that there are no answers for.  Worrying about those keeps me from living today.

An example.  I have taken this week off from work.  Lots of people know about it, but the two people who are closest to me do not.  AND, a snow storm is predicted for tomorrow.  So, instead of going to a retreat I had planned for today, I stayed home and fretted all day about how horrible tomorow and Friday will probably be because I don't get to stay home by myself again.  See?  Instead of being excited about a snow storm which is what I do absolutely love, I have wasted a whole day being negative, not enjoying the quiet of my house that is semi-clean.

Where is God in all of this?  I think he (and I hate calling God he, but I'm not farther along than that) is laughing at me.  Really?  Generally, I do not believe that God is involved in the day to day activities of all of us, unless...  Unless what?  See?  There are no answers...